Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye
by NikkiB1973
Summary: It was only when she was dying that Bella finally realised she wanted to live...set in BD AU. This was a line that wouldn't leave me alone!


**Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye**

Disclaimer; all characters and copyright belong to SM.

 _ **A/N-set in Breaking Dawn AU!**_

 _It was only when she was dying that Bella finally realised she wanted to live._

She sat curled up on the Cullen's expensive couch, her feet drawn up under her thighs, hands cradling her swollen belly. The ever present tears coated her long lashes and spilled down the concave of her cheeks. Bella was skin and bone now, any vital reserves she had left were being absorbed by the child growing inside. Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed Edward hovering. He was agitated, hands wringing in front of him, golden brown eyes clouded with despair. He was in agony. He couldn't help her; he didn't know what to say. So he continued to hover like a helicopter having no place to land. Bella turned her head away, sighing.

"Can I get you anything? You must be hungry."

"I'm fine, Edward."

"You have to eat, love."

"Not right now."

"Water, can I get you some water. Carlisle told us that you need to keep your fluid intake up so you don't become too dehydrated."

"I'm not thirsty."

"But Bella…."

"STOP!"

Edward fell silent. His lips thinned, the anguish in his eyes increased. Bella couldn't bear to look at him. His beauty served to remind her just how bad she looked. "I just need to sleep." She tried to keep her tone light. "Please, I just need to be alone, just for a little while."

"I'll be in the study with Carlisle then. Call me if you need me." Edward hovered again, his hands tugging a warm quilt around Bella's shoulders and tucking it in gently around her thin body, making sure that no draughts touched her skin. "I love you." His cold lips ghosted across the smooth skin of her cheek before he suddenly vanished.

Bella dozed, enjoying the peace and quiet. Rosalie, Emmet and the others were out hunting. For that she was glad. The tall blonde was getting very overprotective. She was like a wildcat if anyone came too close to Bella or the baby she carried inside. Bella knew that Rosalie didn't give a shit about her wellbeing. Once the baby was born and she was dead, well Rosalie would have the child she always wanted. Bella didn't know when she had subconsciously decided that she was going to just give up and die. The plan was to change her as soon as the baby was delivered safely. Edward would inject his venom, and then she would wake up, one of them, finally. They would be the picture perfect family; father, mother and child, forever beautiful and eternally young. But the shininess had worn off this dream as reality sunk in. Living with the whole family for weeks on end had opened Bella's eyes. Eternity would be a nightmare, not a dream come true. They weren't living, merely existing through each day.

* * *

A shaft of sunlight beamed through the large windows of the mansion and bathed Bella in its earthy warmth. She blinked, squinting. It took her a moment for her eyes to get used to the bright light. She sighed, twisting in her seat. Her legs had gone numb, compressed by her body. She straightened, shifting awkwardly. The child moved restlessly inside. Bella cradled her huge belly and felt fresh tears well in her eyes. "Please, stay still." She begged the baby. Every movement the child made was agony for Bella.

For once the child seemed to listen. Bella breathed a sigh of relief as he became still. She rested her head on the back of the leather sofa and tugged the quilt around her. She was freezing again. Her skin was a mass of raised pimples. But Bella didn't call for assistance. She would suffer the cold just so she could have a few seconds more of precious peace. The sun was still shining in her eyes. She revelled in it, seeking the small bit of warmth it promised. The fingers of her left hand caressed her swollen belly while her others dug into the pocket of her maternity jeans. Bella pulled out a scrap of notepaper. She raised it up to her eyes, all the while still caressing her belly. She re-read what she had written. There was only one request on it.

 _My Bucket List_

 _1/ I want to sit on First beach one last time, hold Jacob's hand and watch the sun set._

* * *

"This is what you want." Alice was aghast. She sat next to Bella on the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest. She looked like a small child with her pixie haircut and pinched face. She was suffering because of Bella's condition. Her visions had become erratic and gave her a constant headache as she was forced to witness all different horrific scenarios. Some of the outcomes she had seen in the aftermath of the birth of Bella's baby haunted her daily. At times she had to withdraw, leave the house in order to save her own sanity. But today something was different. She had seen Bella hold the list in her mind. She had come at once.

"I want this one thing." Bella replied hoarsely.

"It would be impossible." Alice said worriedly. Her eyes roamed Bella's face. Her friend looked half dead already. She was so frail. It was heart breaking.

"Jake would do this for me." Bella continued with certainty. "I want this. I need you to contact him for me." She grasped Alice's hand in a weak grip, her brown eyes pleading. "Edward won't allow it. Rose would stop it. But you, I know you will."

"Bella your health." Alice pointed out faintly.

"Listen to me." Bella was suddenly fierce. It was the only life Alice had seen in her friend for days. "I know that you've seen that I've changed my mind. I know that you've kept this from Edward. That is why I trust that you will do this one thing. I'm going to die, Alice. It's such a small thing to want. I want to feel the sun on my skin. I want to hear and see the ocean. I want to feel warm again. Do this for me, please."

Alice was torn. Her loyalty to Edward battled with her wish to help Bella fulfil her dying wish. She closed her eyes, swallowing rapidly. Edward was out hunting. He had been forced out of the house by the others. Rosalie was in the kitchen, whipping up the next batch of blood for Bella to drink. The baby needed it's nutrients in order to thrive.

"Please." Bella's voice was like a faint whisper in the wind.

"Okay." Alice agreed sadly. "I'll ask. That's all I can promise. I cannot see the outcome."

"I know. Thank you." Bella's eyes closed and she began to doze again.

Alice gazed at her friend. She was full of trepidation. She sensed that Bella had only hours to live. The birth was close. If she was going to fulfil her last wish, then it had to be that day. With her head full of her burden Alice slipped out of the house, climbed into her yellow convertible, and headed for La Push.

* * *

Jacob sat on the beach, his hair whipping in the strong wind. He was in torment. The little seer's words had torn what little semblance of peace he had left into shreds. Bella was dying. The girl he loved was being eaten alive by the demon inside her. For his own sanity Jacob had walked away from Bella when he had found out that she had been impregnated by the leech. It was sickening to him. He didn't know what to think or feel. Without the support of his pack he would have drowned, the final nail in the coffin of his weary life, knocked into place by Bella's declaration. Now this! He put his head in his hands and cried, silent choking sobs wracked his body. He didn't know what to do. He was wallowing in his despair. Why did Bella have to continue to torture him this way? She knew he would give in to her request, even if it killed him, and in that moment he hated her for even asking.

* * *

"You've come seeking my counsel." Old Quil motioned for Jacob to sit. He didn't seem surprised at the unexpected visit. He observed the young shifter carefully with dark eyes full of wisdom.

In any other circumstance Jacob would have gone to his father for advice. But this time he knew that Billy wouldn't understand. No one would, especially his brothers. He gazed at the elder hopelessly. He felt lost. Slowly he spilled out what was troubling him. Old Quil remained silent throughout. He didn't seem shocked at Jacob's tale. The young man's anguish was palpable in his every word and gesture. "What do I do?" He begged the old man when he'd finished.

Old Quil sat forward, his bushy brows furrowed in intense concentration. "You've already decided. You came seeking my permission. You don't need me to grant it. You yearn for some kind of ancient magic to solve your dilemma. If it exists I have no idea." He sighed sadly. "Do what you must to ease your mind and conscience, Jacob. If this is what you need to do to gain some proper closure and heal your troubled soul, then so be it. Bring Bella to La Push. Sit on your beach. Say your final goodbye, then let her go."

Jacob, his dark eyes full of despair, nodded abruptly then left.

* * *

It took a huge amount of deception on Alice's part to get Bella out of the house. She lied to Rosalie, urging the beautiful blonde to go seeking Edward and the others. "Bella wants him." This was the only way that Alice could get her adopted sibling to leave Bella's side. Rosalie would fulfil this request, anything to make sure that Bella's situation was made more comfortable. The baby's wellbeing was paramount. Alice promised that she wouldn't leave Bella's side. The little psychic watched Rosalie disappear into the forest surrounding the mansion, then when she was certain that she was far enough away, Alice went back inside to get Bella.

* * *

"I don't have long left, do I?" Bella asked Alice wearily on the drive to La Push. Her brown eyes were huge in her white face.

Alice jerked her head as she nodded. "No." She admitted in a soft voice.

"How long?" Bella persisted.

"Bella, please." Alice begged.

"Tell me." Bella demanded.

"You won't see the sun rise." Alice confessed in anguish. She heard Bella sigh faintly. Alice couldn't look at her friend. It was all too much to bear. Instead she concentrated on the road ahead. There wasn't much time; already the sun was getting lower in the sky.

* * *

Jacob was waiting. He was always waiting. His heart was in bits. Part of him longed to flee into the wilds, just like he had done once before. He wanted to erase the memory of his first love, to push it deep down somewhere inside himself so that he could breathe again. He couldn't breathe now. He clocked the yellow convertible in the distance. The little seer was driving well over the speed limit. Jacob braced himself. The car was there. Alice braked hard, swerved and stopped right in front of the young shifter. She opened the door.

"Jake." It was Bella's voice, so faint, so fragile.

Jacob's heart was burning in his chest. He didn't want a reunion under these circumstances. Bella's last selfish wish was going to be the end of him. But despite his reservations, despite his own anguish, Jacob stepped forward. "Bells."

Then suddenly Bella was in his arms, so light, so frail, and so weak. Jacob buried his face in her hair, breathed her in, anything so he wouldn't have to peer into her white face and see. The swollen belly pressed between them was truth enough.

* * *

Bella was warm. She was pressed into Jacob's side, her hand in his, her cheek resting on his shoulder. They sat on the old bleached out driftwood log. Bella hadn't failed to see the irony. She was just the same as the dead bit of wood. The sun was sinking. Bella stared at the burning disk. The sky was like burnished gold as the sun sank below the horizon. It was beautiful in its fierce intensity. She breathed in the salty air, listened to the gulls cawing. She gripped Jacob's hand as if to a life raft. His hand had moved up to the back of her head, cradling it.

"Why did you do this to yourself?" He cried out as the sea swallowed the sun and the world turned dark. "I would have given you everything. All you had to do was choose to live."

Bella's faint response was torn away by the wind. "I did choose to live, but by then it was too late. I love you. I'm sorry."

"I can't say goodbye." Jacob choked out.

"Then don't." Bella murmured, closing her eyes. "Just say goodnight. "The child moved inside cracking one of Bella's ribs. She cried out in agony. It was the beginning of the end; her son was on his way.

* * *

Jacob waited outside the Cullen mansion. He was always waiting. He closed his ears to the screams coming from inside. The vamp doctor was in the process of delivering the little demon. He curled up into a ball, his hands sinking into his hair. He wished he hadn't given into Bella. He wished he was back in La Push with his family, with his brothers, running free and ignorant about the fate of the girl he loved. Instead he was here, forced once again to endure tortuous agony as he listened to her dying screams.

 _Then silence…._

A beat, one, two….

Then a baby's wail….

The child was alive and Bella was dead.

Jacob cried.

* * *

He sat next to her broken body. It was covered by a white sheet. Only her head and shoulders were exposed. Jacob gazed at her face, so white, so thin, so beautiful, even in death. Her sweet lips were bloodless, but it didn't stop him kissing her softly, one last time. He pulled back, staring at her hopelessly, like a prince in a fairy tale waiting for his princess to wake. A single tear fell from his eyes and splashed onto her cold cheek. Jacob's heart shattered. "Goodnight, Bells." He mumbled. His lips grazed her skin again. He stood, gazing upon her one last time, before he turned and walked away without looking back.

 _Bella opened her eyes…._

 _ **A/N-thanks for reading!**_


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